I had a fall out with my close friend back in covid year, 2020. He was hurt by how I approach the situation. I thought I was doing the right thing. I never bothered to say sorry because I thought it was the best way to deal with uncomfortable situation. Couple years later I reached out to him cause I get to live one of my dream which I once shared with him. He replied my email wishing I apologised. I never think about it that way. Would you wait for apology from someone knowing this person is not wrong?
I am no therapy for mental health but here few factor I observe about this kind of situation.
A short summary of what happened:
I was in a new committed relationship. I was catching up with this particular friend. We always have a great time catching up but this time he was being a bit weird towards the end of the conversation. His marital status at this time, happily married. He told me, if he was Muslim (he is Christian) he will consider asking me to be his 2nd wife. For muslim man, they can marry up to 4 wives at a time. He confessed that he has had feeling for me for long time. I was shocked and did not know what to say to that. He also mentioned his wife knew about this too and said she don’t care as long as she know she is his first wife. It make this awkward more than it already is.
Two weeks go by, I thought to myself I have to set boundaries so let this friendship go. So I emailed him mentioning we should not be friends anymore and I use my relationship at that time as an excuse. He was shocked and extremely hurt that I actually think he was going to do something to my relationship, possibly ruin it.
Self validation
Or different way of saying is self validation. Let’s admit everyone likes a bit of self validation. It is good to admit it right? Self validation comes in different form. For example, some people want recognition in their job. Have you ever thought about what are you looking for in self validation?
Unhealthy Attachment
We all have unhealthy attachment. It could be in different form. Maybe always wanting to eat, spend money, talking about other people, the need to have something or someone all the time is an unhealthy attachment. In this case, I would say not wanting to let go because of good memories of this friendship. Not able to let go and let God takes over, the need to constantly control everything and everyone.
What unhealthy attachment do you currently have?
Unwilling to forgive
Growing up, I always never had in me to condemn someone for their wrong doing. Like watching my father physically abuse my mom. Even at that point I did not hated him. Weirdly my brain says “men do this to women? is this how marriage looked like?”
Then I lived my life , in default I am okay not being okay and develop a natural ability to not condemn people. This makes me look like I forgive people fast but I always ask questions from different prespective of why people do what they do.
Do you forgive people quickly? or are you like how I am, you could care less?
Back to my situation with my friendship, he told me he was so hurt that I did not apologised. In my head, why am I apologising for doing something that is right? For few times in my life I thought I had boundaries, apparently people don’t like it and it bothers them. This is reflection of who they are or in my case, I attracted this. This means few things which I am aware of now if I look at myself deeper.
- I never had boundaries when it comes to opposite gender, like being friends could mean friends with benefit. UP to date : I am not like this anymore. I do small things like deleting numbers, block them or unfollow them on any social media, etc.
- As soon as I am trying to kick in a good habit, there is negativity that will appear. I am aware of that.
- If I want to have a long term partner and be married. I have to behave loyal as I can as of now. Act as if.
- This friend had no boundaries. He might think he has but absolutely not. Even if you have feeling for other female friends especially while still married you should not be saying it out loud.
Here is why I moved on from situations like divorce, heartbreak, disappointment and even betrayal quick is because I never want that burden of holding that negativity in my mind, body and soul. A sick mind is a sick body.
Would you wait for an apology from someone? Let me know your experience in comment below.
