Here is what is surprising for me, I been saying yes.. to everything and everyone. Most of the time my heart and mind really want is to say NO. or the way i say it out loud “HELL NO!”. This makes me wonder why is it hard to say NO to things, situation, invites or people? Does it mean I am people pleaser ?
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Couple times in my life, I have burnt out. One phase took forever for me to readjust to me again. I am one of those people that is good at shutting everything and everyone out completely so I can regain my power back. When I got to step away “why is it hard to say NO?”. I was not only angry at myself. I was disappointed with myself for not having boundaries.
I say yes to almost every “business opportunity”
I say yes to everyone who wants to meet me for “coffee”.
I say yes to friends who want company for their wedding. I don’t have no idea who these couples are.
I say yes to friends who want to “pick on my brain” for ideas for what I was doing in my career at that time. I would say yes to my ex-boyfriend’s work function if he got invited to brunch with his colleagues .
I say yes to short ‘meet up” when I have a hard deadline for work, need to do laundry, look into my account monthly, finish up my meal prep at home, clean my bathroom which I find it all therapeutic.
I have been on discovery mode ever since. I took an online test for relationship, work. I studied astrology (my own birth chart took a course even for that). I realize I do have high anxiety, if only I wrote it down on paper and ask better questions to myself and actually can focus on my needs better. Here are few things I found out about myself and learned to use it to make decisions.
Right when this blog post was written, I rejected a wedding invitation. I would love to go because the groom is actually an old boss who became a great friend. Unfortunately that time is the day and it clashes with my boxing training. I am an athlete, this training is my priority. I will definitely catch up with both of them for lunch or maybe a great dinner with lots of laughter.
FOMO – Fear of Missing Out
When I have an opportunity, my guts sometimes scream “This is not for you!” but my mind takes over “this is the only opportunity, it is once in a lifetime! You will miss out!” (LIES). Now that I say NO to almost everything, those opportunities were always going to be there anyway. This reminds me of the scarcity mindset that I have. I was in a scarcity mindset, not abundance. To this day, I have to keep reminding myself “it is okay to miss out on this”
I’ve been getting better at this. Now I feel less anxious after saying no because I wait until I am feeling neutral, not excited not low or empty.
SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE
I did not think I wanted to be accepted or included until I realized after saying yes to so many “events” then it led to me feeling burnt out. I can speak to anyone in the room and not feel awkward but mainly because of my jobs earlier in my 20s as a bartender, makeup artist, and personal trainer.
Truth to be told, I enjoy not talking too much about anything. I love just peaceful time reading, writing, cooking and spending time with my close family. I am 4 ’11 and 105lb, being small since I was a kid did not help me to get any attention. So after turning 20, I wanted to be accepted more so that is when I noticed I say yes to every opportunity. I show up when people need my help instead of taking my rest or finishing up my work.
Understanding the difference between opportunity and necessity is big for me. So I break it down to few ways
- Does this event help me with the work that I say I am going to do?
- Does this opportunity give me advantage with my current work now?
- Does this opportunity excite me? The thought of it makes me alive or no?
These type of questions are from Steve Harvey , his book title JUMP
BOUNDARIES
This is a hard one for me because they are too simple to describe in 1 word. Basically drawing a line. For example I love to be alone after a full day of interacting. Then again, I have texts to reply to different people, etc. years ago I thought it was rude to not reply to everything and everyone. I was wrong. I should prioritize what I need to do before I start to act it out. It shows like I need to validation ( I am important that is why they are texting me)
I started 2023 after I quit my job and realized, everytime I get a text, this is my question to myself :
1. Is this an emergency or not?
2. How is this helping me with my current project I am working on now?
3. Does this person drain me or elevate my energy after being with them?This quickly helps me to decide quickly if I should reply to them right away or not? Over time after 1 year this has helped me to focus back to what is more important to my life. Every now and then I can’t really focus because I might be stressed with other stuff in my personal life.
Still, I recommend you to try asking yourself those questions, you will be surprised how you have little to no boundaries all along. These boundaries should apply to your family, close friends, relatives and even co worker. I have a son, he is the only person I should call or answer right away.
SAY NO TO OTHERS – AWARENESS
First place to notice is how you feel when an opportunity is being offer to you. Simple things like if a friend ask you “let’s catch up for coffee this week?” if your first initial thought or respond is no just TAKE YOUR TIME and say this
this week won’t work for me. I will let you know when I am available.
This week is not good for me, I am taking time away from everything.
If you catch yourself in any of these habits in any situation, practice the opposite way of what you usually say or react. Now I simply say no straight or say I am not comfortable with doing that or hardly reply to a text. Yes I am one of those who find the need to reply to texts all the time but after not receiving text right away when I need an urgent answer, I do the same to others.. I delay gratification and do something else at the moment. I always thought to myself “what is necessary now?” “Does this activity bring me closer to my today’s agenda” . These are the processes and questions I use so I can stop saying yes.
Do you have any of the habits or behaviors I mentioned above? Have you ever thought about doing something about it? Or you have been a yes mam’ person and now you’ve changed? Comment below!
People please
Constantly people are asking me for help, advice for anything that we have in common or even constantly want my time. I used to say yes to everything and everyone because I felt obligated. I always felt bad and thought about what does it says about me if I were to reject someone for their request. I realize how I would be hitting a burnout because I only have a certain level of energy and time each day. There is only so much one can say yes to.
Are you constantly feeling bad after you reject someone? Or are you constantly hitting burnout? Either one, you are people pleaser.
Assume this : Strengthening this relationship
While I say yes to others, I thought I was strengthening that relationship. How I felt was otherwise. I felt bad for lying or hiding my truth. In my head I assume if I am nicer with my response or just hide my smile with some sounding words then I guess we can still be good friends or even establish “agree to disagree” . I realize I was wrong about this because no matter how I agree and say yes to people they are not going to appreciate or worse, they leave the relationship or friendship.
You are doing yourself disservice by not being truthful. I think this is where people get comfortable with telling lies.
Love drama
You might love drama but not in the way you think you do. Sometimes we stay around in some uncomfortable situation or get involved in unnecessary conversation because we want to feel accepted. To feel accepted, we tend to stay around the drama and negativity even though it drains us emotionally, mentally after. For me the way I communicate is like a burst of fire just because that is how I am comfortable with. So dramatic events, conversations somehow suit the way I communicate. Then again I realized how emotionally tired I was after.
If you catch yourself in any of these habits in any situation, practice the opposite way of what you usually say or react. Now I simply say no straight or say I am not comfortable with doing that or hardly reply to a text. Yes I am one of those who find the need to reply to texts all the time but after not receiving text right away when I need an urgent answer, I do the same to others.. I delay gratification and do something else at the moment. I always thought to myself “what is necessary now?” “Does this activity bring me closer to my today’s agenda” . These are the processes and questions I use so I can stop saying yes.
Do you have any of the habits or behaviors I mentioned above? Have you ever thought about doing something about it? Or you have been a yes mam’ person and now you’ve changed? Comment below!
